BJU Press Blog

Guest Writer

Communication: The Key to Parenting

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communication is key
As homeschooling parents, we understand the importance of clear communication. If our children don’t get what we’re trying to teach them in school and life, they’ll struggle academically, socially, and spiritually. We also understand that we have more opportunities than others to develop good communication with our children. We have them home with us all day. Each day we have hundreds of opportunities to create healthy communication habits for ourselves and for them. We all have room for improvement in our communication habits, so let’s look at some tips to help us become better communicators.

Just Saying

First, know what you want to say. You’ve heard the old adage, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” That’s a good rule to follow! Be as clear as you can when telling your children what you expect them to do. For example, there’s a big difference between saying “finish your math” and saying “do problems 1 through 10 on page 30.”

If we don’t tell our children exactly what we expect from them, they’re likely to get confused and frustrated. Also, we can’t always assume that our children understood or even heard all of our instructions. Distractions—other children, pets, a large house, or guests—can override what you’re trying to communicate. A good way to make sure they understand is to ask them to repeat what you just told them.

Location, Location

Be mindful of where you are and what’s going on around you. Background noises in the room you’re in, or another room, can make it much harder for your children to hear and understand what you say, or vice versa. As often as possible, try to be in the same room as your children when you’re talking. Of course, that goes without saying when you’re teaching, but it’s a good practice to have all the time. It can be fun to holler down the hallway to talk, but not at the expense of clear communication.

Focus, Please

We’re surrounded by things that suck up our attention and block out the rest of the world. Buzzing phones and blaring TVs, crying children, dishwashers, washing machines—there are so many noises surrounding us at all times. Those noises can be the death of clear communication. If you want to have a meaningful conversation with your children, make sure you have their full attention. If they’re distracted while you’re talking to them, chances are, they won’t remember what you say.

On the flip side, make sure your children have your full attention when they want to talk to you. Texting, talking on the phone, scrolling through Facebook or checking email can wait when your children are trying to talk with you. They need to know you care enough to stop, look them in the eye, and listen. If you have to finish a text or an email before you can give your full attention, use a signal to let them know that you know they want to speak and that you’ll stop and listen to them as soon as you can.

Watch Your Tone

How we say something is just as important as what we say. It can be hard to teach children how to control their tones, especially if we struggle to do the same ourselves. Our tone of voice can communicate something entirely different from our words, and it certainly affects the way our children respond to us and how we respond to them. Children are excellent at picking up on attitudes and thoughts we have hidden in our tone. As impatient or frustrated as you might be with a situation or a certain kind of behavior, remember that letting that frustration into your tone will change the meaning of everything you say. A reminder to finish homework can come across as a punishment or an expression of disappointment—even if you didn’t mean either.

Remember the exhortation in Colossians 3:21. According to the Amplified Bible’s translation, it says, “Do not provoke or irritate or exasperate your children . . . so they will not lose heart and become discouraged or unmotivated [with their spirits broken.]” One unkind remark can undo hours of loving instruction. One snappy retort can erect a wall of resentment between you and your child. We must rely on the power of God to help us. Only He can master our tongues (and voices) so the law of kindness can reign in them. And when we do speak in a harsh tone of voice, we need to make it right as soon as possible. Immediately confess it to the Lord and ask your child to forgive you. Yes, it’s humbling (as I can well testify!), but if we are to maintain a right relationship with our children, it’s imperative. The best way to show our children how to control their tongue is to become masters of our own.

Communication in Body Language

If you have a teenager, you’re more than aware of how frustrating it is when your children roll their eyes or sigh at everything you say. It’s like they’re shouting “I don’t care what you say” or “you can’t tell me what to do.” In addition to our tones, what we’re saying, and our environment, we also need to be mindful of what we’re communicating through facial expressions, posture, and gestures. And we need to help our children understand what their bodies communicate, too.

How we use our bodies while we’re talking can influence our conversations in either a positive or negative way. For example, try not to cross your arms, roll your eyes, sigh, shake your head, or tap your foot during a discussion; all of these gestures can undermine healthy communication. By using positive gestures, like nodding or leaning forward, we can encourage a healthy conversation despite what either party might be feeling.

The Main Goal for Communication

Remember the purpose of communication: to glorify God by building others up with our words. God has given us the gift of language so we can encourage, motivate, and inspire others toward greater Christlikeness. He has also given us His own Word, Holy Spirit, and power to guide our communication. A wonderful scripture to pray each day is Psalm 19:14, “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

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Jennifer is a pastor’s wife and mom of two young girls and loves homeschooling them. During her own twelve years of being homeschooled, Jennifer developed a passion for reading and writing. She earned a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and relishes writing during her free time.

When Life Happens, But School Doesn’t

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life happens
You had big plans this morning; lesson plans prepared, schoolbooks and supplies laid out, desks cleaned and organized. Projects and tests were going to be completed, units were going to be finished—you were even going to get ahead! But sometimes, life happens and school doesn’t.

Derailed Plans

Instead of helping to solve math equations, you had to resolve conflicts between siblings. Your toddler decided to conduct his own “science experiment” in the bathroom, which caused an extra hour of work for you to clean up. So you had to replace history lessons with lessons on obedience and respect. And potty training replaced spelling. On top of all this, you had the normal household responsibilities of laundry, cleaning, and meal prep. In between, there were nap times, diaper changes, and feedings. Just when it looked like you’d be able to squeeze in some school time, you had to hustle the kids off to music lessons and sports practices. When you got home, it was time to fix dinner. It was all you could do to make it to the kids’ bedtime so you could crash on the sofa and reclaim a little bit of your sanity.

Low Ebb

Weary, discouraged, and frustrated may best describe you at this moment. You may be tempted to think that you failed because you didn’t get any schoolwork accomplished. It’s easy to think that today was a total waste because all you had time for was that other stuff. You may be surveying a room strewn with toys that didn’t get put away before bed. You might be inwardly groaning at the thin layer of dust on the furniture you didn’t get to clean. But before you unload your frustrations on your husband or on Facebook, take a moment to hear from the experiences of a fellow homeschool mom who’s been right where you are.

Hope for Tomorrow

Let me reassure you by saying that these days are not a waste. When my daughters were little, I sometimes felt like all I did was correct, discipline, chase after them, and clean up after them. I’ve also cried out, disheartened, with, “I got nothing done today!” But I also learned something: education is important, but it cannot replace godly parenting. Sometimes you have to delay school so you can be the wife and mom you’re meant to be. Our first priority must be to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov. 22:6). When you choose to put God and your family first, you are teaching your children an invaluable lesson. They will see that you value them—and God—more than lesson plans, good grades, or a clean house. Commit each day to God. Try to make school happen. But even if only life happens, remember that it can happen for God’s glory if we live the day for Him.

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Jennifer is a pastor’s wife and mom of two young girls and loves homeschooling them. During her own twelve years of being homeschooled, Jennifer developed a passion for reading and writing. She earned a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and relishes writing during her free time.

Take the Better Test

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what makes a better test?
Part of homeschooling is checking up often to see how well your children are learning. One helpful way to see where they are academically is to use standardized achievement testing. Many states require homeschool families to use achievement tests, and they can often feel like an imposition. But they’re also quite helpful for you. These tests are valuable tools that give you a solid grasp of your students’ strengths and weaknesses. And depending on the test, you may get a better feel for how to help your children overcome weaknesses.

The California Achievement Test

The California Achievement Test (CAT) was established in 1986 as a form of standardized testing. The test measures a wide range of skills with subtests in reading, language, spelling, math, and social studies. Even though the spectrum of subjects is broad, the number of questions per subtest is surprisingly few. Having fewer questions means a shorter test, but it also means that each question counts more towards the final score. A weakness in a minor area can skew the overall results.

Another point to consider is that having fewer questions means that this test can only dig so deeply into your children’s development. The CAT gives only a superficial reading of their academic skills. One final point to consider is that, given the age of the test, the questions within each subtest may not match current standards. The questions your children encounter may vary dramatically in terms of difficulty.

The Stanford 10

Another option you might consider is the Stanford 10. Copyrighted in 2003, a collection of private schools re-normed this test in 2018, and today it is formally recognized throughout the United States. Like the CAT, it offers a wide range of subtests. In contrast, the Stanford  has more questions and will give you a better understanding of how well your children grasp certain subjects. And unlike the CAT, students do not need to complete each subtest within a preset amount of time. Your students will have more time to think over questions.

However, despite having a recent norm date, it’s not the most recent test available. The standards measured in the Stanford 10 won’t always match today’s standards. While matching today’s standards is not a concern for most homeschool families, if you are using newer teaching materials with an older test, you may receive results that don’t accurately represent your child’s abilities. Additionally, since the 2018 norms came from private school students, it may be more difficult for students to score in higher percentiles. Again, this may not be a concern for you, as many homeschool students perform on the same level as private school students. It’s just something to be aware of when choosing a testing series.

The Iowa Assessments Form E

Finally, you may want to consider choosing the Iowa Assessments™ Form E, which was written in 2012 and standardized in 2017.  Form E levels include the same variety of subtests, but they have time limits. This test series uses more current methods to analyze your students’ learning—methods that fit more accurately with today’s best practices and standards for learning. Though they may take more time, the Iowa Assessments better indicate where your children thrive and where they struggle. The content can be much more accessible for your children and give you a better read on their development. It’s also available online, which allows you the flexibility of administering the test at home and not having to worry about finding a qualified test administrator.

To ensure success in your homeschool, you’ll want to have a thorough understanding of how your children are developing. The right assessment can help you ensure you’re giving them the best education possible. Choose a form of testing that will tell you where they are and where they need to be!

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Matt recently graduated with an MA in communication studies and currently works as a freelance writer. He attributes the wild variety in his current opportunities to the exploration his parents gave him through the homeschooling experience. He enjoys theater, the gym, and choral music and will rarely say no to a cold glass of sweet tea.

Looking for the Little Moments

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the little moments of homeschooling
You’ve got a stack of homeschool textbooks on your hip and your tepid coffee in your hand. You’re tossing dirty clothes into the washing machine with the other hand while telling the four-year-old for the hundredth time that, no, she cannot watch her show—not until TV time this evening.

You realize that your nine-year-old has been running the water in the bathroom for a very long time, much longer than necessary for brushing teeth. For a second you see red dollar signs flashing before your eyes in anticipation of this month’s water bill. And then the baby yells imperiously from the crib, and you feel like crawling back into bed and just not adulting today. Or tomorrow. OK, for a whole month.

We’ve all been there. We’ve been swamped, overwhelmed by the onrushing tide of our children’s needs—educational, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Prayer helps. Scripture helps. Asking for help from friends and family is important too. But there’s one more way to manage that exhaustion, especially as you begin the new year.

Look for the little moments.

Here’s an example. Let’s say that while you’re doing the laundry, you find a couple of tadpoles in your daughter’s pocket. Or maybe a dead lizard or a beetle.  Once you get past the “ew” factor, remind yourself how wonderful it is that she’s interested in living things. And then find a moment, maybe right before bed, when you can talk to her about her affinity for biology. Sure, you can ask that she empty her pockets before putting her clothes in the laundry—but if you focus on the good, you’ll come away from the interaction more grateful than frustrated.

My kids argue over the silliest things sometimes. But yesterday my son put his arm around his little sister’s shoulders, and my heart melted. When you see a moment like that, relish it. Draw encouragement from it.

One night, I passed my son’s room long after he was supposed to have turned out his lamp, and I noticed light gleaming under the door. As I went in, ready to chide him, he looked up from his book, cheeks flushed with excitement, eyes bright. I recognized that look because I’ve read past my own bedtime many a night. Biting off the words I was going to say, I let him read for ten more minutes—because sleep is important, but becoming a lifelong reader is even more important. I will never forget that little moment we shared, not as mother and son but as readers.

As a homeschool parent, you get to see the magical instant when a concept “clicks” for your child. You get to be there when your fourth-grader comes to you with a new discovery, or when your gangly teen sits patiently while your youngest stumbles through her first easy reader.

Look for the little moments. Hold them in your mind, or write them down so you can read them and remember and rejoice in what you, by God’s grace, have accomplished so far. Who knows what beautiful moments will come your way in this new year?

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Rebecca is a work-at-home freelance writer, novelist, wife, and the mom of two bright-eyed little ones. She credits her success in writing and her love of books to her own mom, who homeschooled three kids from pre-K through high school.

4 Easy Christmas Activities for Kids

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easy Christmas activities for kids
As the holidays approach, the pressure to make every day count becomes even more intense. You desperately want your kids to have beautiful holiday memories, but with all the busyness of homeschool, church, community events, family gatherings, and more, it can be hard to set aside time for those Christmas activities or to deal with the cleanup afterward, especially during certain seasons of family life. Here are four easy Christmas activities for kids that involve relatively little preparation and minimal mess.

Tour the Holiday Lights

If you have a holiday light show near your home, pile everyone into the car one night and drive over. Even if there’s no light show nearby, you can drive through local neighborhoods. There are always a few winter wonderlands at private homes where the owners have gone above and beyond. Add your favorite holiday playlist, and you’ve got a simple, fun, memory-making family Christmas activity.

Cookie Swap

Maybe you’re not keen on the idea of making Christmas cookies or treats from scratch this year. Maybe there’s been sickness in your family, you’ve recently had a new baby, or the toddlers just aren’t in a place to enjoy that sort of family Christmas activity. But you want your kids to experience and enjoy a variety of holiday treats—so why not organize a cookie swap with friends?

At a cookie swap, several families buy or make a few dozen Christmas cookies or special treats. Then everyone gathers to sample the goodies and trade bags or tins of the Christmas cookies to take home. To keep cleanup manageable, arrange to swap treats at a friend’s home or at church. You could even combine activities and go to an outdoor pavilion, perhaps near a skating rink or playground.

DIY Christmas Ornaments

If your kids are eager to participate in decorating for the holidays, let them craft a few ornaments for the tree. One easy way to do this is to purchase a bunch of durable plastic Christmas balls and different stickers (holiday-themed stickers, googly eyes, sequin stickers, etc.). The kids can plaster the ornaments with stickers, creating masterpieces fit for the tree—and there’s no glue involved!

Christmas Bingo

Want to keep your kids occupied while you’re driving or shopping? Use free printable games like Christmas bingo! Just print out the cards, give your kids some dot stickers, and let them conduct a visual scavenger hunt from the car seat, stroller, or shopping cart. They’ll have fun, and you’ll be free to focus on your destination or your shopping list.

In your season of life, making Christmas memorable might seem overwhelming. Just remember that activities for kids don’t have to be complex or Pinterest-worthy. The simplest family Christmas activity can yield some of the best bonding moments, learning experiences, and holiday charm.

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Rebecca is a work-at-home freelance writer, novelist, wife, and the mom of two bright-eyed little ones. She credits her success in writing and her love of books to her own mom, who homeschooled three kids from pre-K through high school.